Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Will I regret all this in the morning?

There's no way of writing this without sounding like an whining schmuck. So I'll say it straight. I am so sick of spending all these hot, summer days on beautiful beaches with breathtaking views.

I know, I know, how ungrateful. But balance is the key to life. The doing and the being. I have finely tuned my talent for sitting around and just being. The problem with just being, although peaceful and relaxing in it's early stages, is that it can lead to some self absorbed big thinking. Too much self absorption eventually turns you into a puddle of existential angst, fretting over your life purpose and purpose in general. SO NOT FUN!

Self reflection does have it's benefits. Looking internally if things aren't going the way you want does provide you some insight on what needs changing. I used to thrive on change, but now that I'm a middle aged fart, I want things, well, the good things anyway, to stay exactly the same. When I turn on my computer and a window pops up telling me there's a newer version of Adobe Acrobat Reader, I just get pissed off. The version I have is perfectly fine. More change! why? and stop it already!

Change is the only constant. After a summer of thinking while sitting on all the pretty beaches I need to accept change and admit that what I've been doing isn't what I've been wanting to do. Puttering around the studio, drawing and painting and building little bits of this and that is okay, but something big is missing. If there wasn't, I'd be a lot farther along with my art. How I've been approaching art has been mostly a joyless endeavor for a long, long time.

I thought outside the box and decided to synthesize parts of my life into a creative project that's been on my mind for a few years. With it, I started a new blog under an alias. But I'm not going to tell you what it is, because I need the anonymity to 'get real' and not worry about offending anyone, or disclosing things too personal. Just letting you know what I've been doing, without letting you know what I've been doing. How's that for neurotic? Although, all this could just be a pre-menopausal midlife crisis. Will I regret all this in the morning?

Another neurotic - in song, Neurosis in D
*Warning - mature and not safe for work*


dinahmow said...

Ooh! Sing it, sister! Been there, done that, still wondering why the hell I did!
Why I started Idle Thoughts, I didn't have my real name on the blog and no one in town knew about it. But, in almost 3 years, many people read it, including non-blogging friends so I tend to write safe.Except on the pages that I don't share here!
So carry on with your purgative page and don't forget to keep the rest of us entertained over here!

Caroline said...

I've so many blogs I'm like the old woman who lived in a shoe... only I simply don't let anyone see most of them...

But no matter how hard it is it sounds like your sitting around time has been very productive.

Kim Hambric said...

I do so want to let my alter(?)(real)(overpowering)ego out. Say, is that you singing and playing in a wig?

Do what you have to do. And as much time as I spend surfing around blogs, hopefully I will stumble across the other you.

I feel so stifled on my blog at times. I ask myself too often if I should post something that I have written and then I don't and it makes me feel incomplete, isolated and crabby. I don't write what I want. Am I, therefore, not creating the art I want. As a result am I not living the life I want.

I hope your project works out and you feel sane and complete.

self taught artist said...

loved the video elle!!
love the post as i am there baby. i live in one sought out place of beauty but you know what? its DEAD of life. do you know i'm going to have to haul my artistic ass back into the real world...the ugly dirty grimy polluted shit box of life in order to HAVE a life.
so i get it. beaches are great...toolin along being safe and quiet and peaceful cant sustain anyone.
good for you for a secret blog and projects and giving yourself permission to think and delve and have the courage to know what you need and start to go towards it.

thats my word verification.
hope your new blog is free from word verification for your new readers....word verification is worse than needing passwords and keys.

andrea said...

How egomaniacal am I to think I'm the only one who feels edited/wings clipped on my blog. I've tried the anonymous blog thing, too, but abandon it after a post or two as I (a) can't divide my time like that and (b) find myself self-editing (in a different way, mind you) anyway. I'll be interested to see how this goes for you. I won't ask to read it but would love the second-hand version.

Angela Wales Rockett said...

I've been feeling much the same way about my life for a while now. A lot of questioning my purpose in life, meaning, worth, etc. Feeling pretty crappy, actually. Having a lot of trouble putting it into words, and only today feeling an inkling of how I might put it into my art. Maybe I'll be able to write about it soon too. I wish I could see your new project, but I understand the need to be anonymous so you can be truly yourself.

Ellen said...

Dinah- now I want to go back and read the early days of Idle Thoughts. Any juicy tidbits in there?
I'll still be here. The other site is actually less ranty than this one, just more personal and niche specific. It's actually the change in art on there that makes me more self conscious to share. I figure for this site, posting a video referencing amateur porn may have sealed my fate and driven away the 'sensitive' ones.

Caroline - you too? everybody's coming out of the bloggy closet. Thanks for mentioning the last part, you're right it did end up being productive.

Kim - it's tough compartmentalizing your life sometimes. I don't mind other people around here seeing me as nothing more than a quiet, stay at home mom, but lately I've unconsciously been trying to fit into preset molds. Can't speak for you, but all your lines from "I don't write what I want..." to "...not living the life I want" hit it home for me perfectly.

And no, that's not me singing, I'm 42!that's Hannah Friedman. She just published her first book, "Everything Sucks". Curious to read it after seeing this video.

Ellen said...

Paula: I think you and I are in a bit of the same head space right now. You're way braver than me -a move across country, a BIG scene change. I'll be looking forward to hearing all about it.

Andrea: I didn't know you started one, still there somewhere? (let me see it!) I'll show you mine if you show me yours? I know, it's unrealistic to think of starting something new without dropping other stuff. No more beaches for me...and that's okay.

Angela: It is hard to articulate that feeling. Someone on FB was talking about cognitive dissonance and that's exactly what been nagging at me. Been feeling empty with my art not a true reflection of my life and my life not a better reflection of my values and a strong desire to connect it all. Trying to do that doesn't mean it'll be high quality, but it will feel more authentic and will make me feel more engaged in the world. Visual art is so solitary, I guess I'm searching for a more collective experience somehow.

andrea said...

Your reactions to the comments would make excellent blog posts in themselves, especially the one to Angela (I know so well what you're talking about) but I also understand the self-imposed need for each post to have some punch or journalistic merit rather than just be a meandering sort of navel gazing so what to do? (And my fake blogs are deleted but if you send me yours I promise to start another just so we can 'share'. :)

word verif: deddly -- is that a hint?

dinahmow said...

No, nothing racy on Idle Thoughts.I did think(for a nano-second!) that I might put some poetry up here.Scratched that idea when I realised that it's been a very long time since I wrote good poetry and I'm not sure that readers want it anyway.
So the 'writer's writing' is for elsewhere.

venus said...

I hope your project works out and you feel sane and complete....
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Melody said...

Your preaching to the converted sister......I'm with you.....but you could email me personally with the new blog info

Ellen said...

Hey Mel, sorry I missed your comment (and also, welcome back!)Right now, I'm going to still keep it private, It's still forming and I'm finding my voice. Eventually, I probably will email you and all my facebook friends who comment on here and ask for your opinion, but i gotta say, for now, being anonymous is really liberating.